Nothing is worse than a blank page left to be blank. I should start writing in here more. A lot has happened since i checked in last June. I stopped writing because of some depression. Everything was falling apart. and nothing made sense. I took to many things for granted and I was reeling from the brutal unfairness of life. Going home wasn't an option for various reasons... and staying here was unbearable.
And still I held on, proclaiming that I will go with the flow, but constantly fighting the river. Then I gave up, not in the sense that I gave up on life, rather in the sense that I can't control life. I've turned from a schemer into an opportunist. I still make plans, but no plan is immune to altercation or postponement due to circumstances.
But now... things are changing. I see something emerging that I never gave much thought to, something I never thought could happen, something I want that my whole life has shown me that I can't have. So, instead of letting go and going with whatever, I find myself fighting the urge to vie for the deadly vice of control.
So in order to bleed off some energy, I have decided on a project to keep me focused and busy. I am starting a graphic novel. I plan to have it finished in a couple of years. This should give me something to do that is all mine, independent of others.
something I can call my own. Cause lets be honest... there's not too much I can claim to be mine these days....
Saturday 15 October 2011
Tuesday 1 June 2010
It was nice while it lasted
However i get the feeling like this is the last time I'll talk with you. which sucks, cause i thought things were going good.
Tuesday 11 May 2010
seagul- Bad Company
Seagull, you fly across the horizon
Into the misty morning sun.
Nobody asks you where you are going,
Nobody knows where you're from.
Here is a man asking the question
Is this really the end of the world?
Seagull, you must have known for a long time
The shape of things to come.
Now you fly, through the sky, never asking why,
And you fly all around 'til somebody, Shoots you down.
Da da da da da da da down.
Mm mm mm mm, mm mm.
Seagull, you fly, across the horizon,
Into the misty morning sun.
Nobody asks you where you are going,
Nobody knows where you are from,
Now you fly through the sky, never asking why,
And you fly all around 'til somebody, yeah,
Shoots you down. Mm mm, yeah.
Seagull you fly, seagull you fly away.
And you fly away today
And you fly away tomorrow
And you fly away, leave me to
my sorrow.
Mm, mm, mm.
Seagull go and fly, mm, mm, mm,
Fly to your tomorrow, leave me to my sorrow, fly.
Into the misty morning sun.
Nobody asks you where you are going,
Nobody knows where you're from.
Here is a man asking the question
Is this really the end of the world?
Seagull, you must have known for a long time
The shape of things to come.
Now you fly, through the sky, never asking why,
And you fly all around 'til somebody, Shoots you down.
Da da da da da da da down.
Mm mm mm mm, mm mm.
Seagull, you fly, across the horizon,
Into the misty morning sun.
Nobody asks you where you are going,
Nobody knows where you are from,
Now you fly through the sky, never asking why,
And you fly all around 'til somebody, yeah,
Shoots you down. Mm mm, yeah.
Seagull you fly, seagull you fly away.
And you fly away today
And you fly away tomorrow
And you fly away, leave me to
my sorrow.
Mm, mm, mm.
Seagull go and fly, mm, mm, mm,
Fly to your tomorrow, leave me to my sorrow, fly.
Friday 9 April 2010
Wieder nach dem Vaterland!
Three years in the making, I return to Germany. I feel more excited than i thought i would be. This return to Germany is more than just a trip to see old friends, it's so much more. It proves something, it proves that i return.
I come back and make good on my promises to see you again.
I will come back, I will see you again.
I used to think, every hello meant a goodbye, and each goodbye means forever. However, now i can say that i can come back, i can retrace and catch up.
I like knowing that about myself.....
I come back and make good on my promises to see you again.
I will come back, I will see you again.
I used to think, every hello meant a goodbye, and each goodbye means forever. However, now i can say that i can come back, i can retrace and catch up.
I like knowing that about myself.....
Sunday 28 February 2010
They're calling agin...
They call to me, "join us, our brother, for we have much to show you. Come pull our oars, and steer our rudders. There is much to be witnessed."
They call. "The life you dream of belongs to others, you are special in that you are free from such trivial things. You are host to something greater, for we have planted a seed within your heart. Nothing else will make it grow."
They whisper. "You've trained everyday for this, we have given you the ability to see opportunity in hardship, beauty in pain, and perseverance in adversity. We have given you adversaries to overcome, doubts to confirm, and hells to endure. However, the true test is yet to come."
"We hope you will see it through, but you have much to learn... So much more, you have wasted so much time. We aren't sure you are ready, but the time has come. The time has come for you to be what you were born to be."
They say, "One last task, and time is running out, hurry.... hurry, there is no time to waste, for one day you will return to dust, and your world will be left undone."
They call. "The life you dream of belongs to others, you are special in that you are free from such trivial things. You are host to something greater, for we have planted a seed within your heart. Nothing else will make it grow."
They whisper. "You've trained everyday for this, we have given you the ability to see opportunity in hardship, beauty in pain, and perseverance in adversity. We have given you adversaries to overcome, doubts to confirm, and hells to endure. However, the true test is yet to come."
"We hope you will see it through, but you have much to learn... So much more, you have wasted so much time. We aren't sure you are ready, but the time has come. The time has come for you to be what you were born to be."
They say, "One last task, and time is running out, hurry.... hurry, there is no time to waste, for one day you will return to dust, and your world will be left undone."
Thursday 25 February 2010
Monday 8 February 2010
New York City
I was thinking the other day with my buddy about the chances this world affords us to truly be tested. In this new modern world, we have very few. It made me really think about my past and the times I was able to get a good idea of what I am really made of. In my life they are also few, but they did happen. I have to remind myself of those times of I might slip into a forgetful state, not remembering the times I have learned about my character through the moments of adversity. I welcome hard times and trials, because it's only through these that we can learn a bit more into our true natures as men in this age where the definition of a man is never clearly defined and often distorted.
Once such time was the two days I spent as a pauper in New York City.
I was flying from San Diego to Berlin, with a two hour layover in New York. I met a business man on the plane who wanted to impress his contacts by learning a few German words to say at his important business meeting. I gave him some tutoring and in his appreciation he offered to buy me lunch at an airport restaurant. Both of us thought we had a two hour layover, but it turned out that the layover was more like 45 minutes. We missed our connecting flight my minutes and were stuck at the JFK airport. The man (i forgot his name) was well connected and was able to get a flight out, but my bargain basement ticket did not allow me to connect because the flight was missed on my account, not due to the airline. So I was stuck. After some talking with various counters and countless run-arounds, I was told that I could only get a flight to Berlin with the same type of flight that I came in on. I didn't quite understand that but i took it. The lady behind the counter told me such a flight was only possible two days later. I watched as other stranded travelers decided to take out their frustrations on the clerks behind the counters. I thought that the clerks are only there to read what a computer tells them, and they aren't in some way getting their jollies out of screwing you out of a flight, and I wasn't going to treat them like they were. You would be very surprised how far you get with people if you are nice and respectful to them, especially if they have to contrast your politeness with the assholes they have been dealing with all day, somehow, you become their breath of fresh air and they do things for you that they would never do for "Joe Random Asshole." The woman who worked with me for the next 3 hours was Terry (I think her name was Terry) and as a result of my attitude, she was able to put me on the two days away flight, instead of a week later flight.
After she took care of me as best she could, I thanked her and then i had to think of a place to sleep for the next 48 hours. Necessity is the mother of invention, and I called upon my resourcefulness that i was handed down genetically from my father. I called my sisters and asked them who we know in New York. My family has a vast network, and I knew that someone had to be there. However it was then a bit too late to be calling up my sisters friends that I haven't seen in years asking for a couch. So I improvised. With no hotel booking, and no money, no clothes, and no shelter, I stayed calm and decided to try out the FBO in JFK and see if they would have mercy on a fellow pilot and allow me to crash on one of their couches for tired pilots. I looked around but there was no FBO in JFK, but there was one in La Guardia, about a 45 minute bus ride from JFK.
For those of you who aren't pilots, an FBO stands for Fixed Base Operator, and provides services and other creature comforts for private and commercial pilots. Most of them have places to take a quick nap, hop on the Wi-Fi, take a shower and plan the next leg of the flight. I walked into La Guardia's FBO around 1:30 and showed them my license and asked if I could crash till morning. They showed me a room full of plush lazy boy recliners, gave me a blanket and a pillow and for $0 I had a nice warm room all to myself to sleep in.
I woke up the next day, and made a couple of phone calls, and found out that my sister's friend lives north of Harlem, and that i could stay there on her couch the next night, but i wasn't going to meet her until 9 or 10pm. I now had a free one day vacation in New York City, and I never let a bad situation get me down, in fact I made it an opportunity to explore the mythical city that I had never been to. With a few bucks I bought a metro card and I hit all the famous stops. I thought maybe a good starting point was Times Square, so I went.
Times Square was a LOT smaller than it shows you on TV, in fact I was pretty surprised. I saw grown man wearing a diaper and a cowboy hat playing a guitar, and scraped together enough money to eat at the Hard Rock. (which is a stupid habit of mine to go to Hard Rocks all over the world) For one day the city was mine, I saw the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, Battery park, Central park and rode the metro back and forth all day just picking spots on the map and kept going.
That night I met up With Stephanie Dick, my sisters friend from high school, and we hung out with her friends and had a good time. Then I crashed on her couch.
The next day I went to JFK to get on my flight and I saw Terrie at he terminal checking in passengers. She remembered me and asked me how I was, i told her I was wonderful and that I loved my free day in New York. She told me something that will stay with me forever, she said "I have never met someone like you before, especially at this airport, I want to be like you and make the best of all the bad things that come my way." She was easily 20 years my senior, and she was till able to learn something from some kid from San Diego.
Now I realize that this isn't some super grand story about really overcoming some difficult shit. I've had harder things happen to me before and since. The thing to remember is that we can choose to be defeated, or we can choose to make it whatever we want. Two days in New York proved to me that I had the ability and mental resources to make it out of a shitty situation, and come out with a great experience. Since then I have traveled, looking for the next experience to test and try me, to really temper my mettle and to show myself what I can do.
Once such time was the two days I spent as a pauper in New York City.
I was flying from San Diego to Berlin, with a two hour layover in New York. I met a business man on the plane who wanted to impress his contacts by learning a few German words to say at his important business meeting. I gave him some tutoring and in his appreciation he offered to buy me lunch at an airport restaurant. Both of us thought we had a two hour layover, but it turned out that the layover was more like 45 minutes. We missed our connecting flight my minutes and were stuck at the JFK airport. The man (i forgot his name) was well connected and was able to get a flight out, but my bargain basement ticket did not allow me to connect because the flight was missed on my account, not due to the airline. So I was stuck. After some talking with various counters and countless run-arounds, I was told that I could only get a flight to Berlin with the same type of flight that I came in on. I didn't quite understand that but i took it. The lady behind the counter told me such a flight was only possible two days later. I watched as other stranded travelers decided to take out their frustrations on the clerks behind the counters. I thought that the clerks are only there to read what a computer tells them, and they aren't in some way getting their jollies out of screwing you out of a flight, and I wasn't going to treat them like they were. You would be very surprised how far you get with people if you are nice and respectful to them, especially if they have to contrast your politeness with the assholes they have been dealing with all day, somehow, you become their breath of fresh air and they do things for you that they would never do for "Joe Random Asshole." The woman who worked with me for the next 3 hours was Terry (I think her name was Terry) and as a result of my attitude, she was able to put me on the two days away flight, instead of a week later flight.
After she took care of me as best she could, I thanked her and then i had to think of a place to sleep for the next 48 hours. Necessity is the mother of invention, and I called upon my resourcefulness that i was handed down genetically from my father. I called my sisters and asked them who we know in New York. My family has a vast network, and I knew that someone had to be there. However it was then a bit too late to be calling up my sisters friends that I haven't seen in years asking for a couch. So I improvised. With no hotel booking, and no money, no clothes, and no shelter, I stayed calm and decided to try out the FBO in JFK and see if they would have mercy on a fellow pilot and allow me to crash on one of their couches for tired pilots. I looked around but there was no FBO in JFK, but there was one in La Guardia, about a 45 minute bus ride from JFK.
For those of you who aren't pilots, an FBO stands for Fixed Base Operator, and provides services and other creature comforts for private and commercial pilots. Most of them have places to take a quick nap, hop on the Wi-Fi, take a shower and plan the next leg of the flight. I walked into La Guardia's FBO around 1:30 and showed them my license and asked if I could crash till morning. They showed me a room full of plush lazy boy recliners, gave me a blanket and a pillow and for $0 I had a nice warm room all to myself to sleep in.
I woke up the next day, and made a couple of phone calls, and found out that my sister's friend lives north of Harlem, and that i could stay there on her couch the next night, but i wasn't going to meet her until 9 or 10pm. I now had a free one day vacation in New York City, and I never let a bad situation get me down, in fact I made it an opportunity to explore the mythical city that I had never been to. With a few bucks I bought a metro card and I hit all the famous stops. I thought maybe a good starting point was Times Square, so I went.
Times Square was a LOT smaller than it shows you on TV, in fact I was pretty surprised. I saw grown man wearing a diaper and a cowboy hat playing a guitar, and scraped together enough money to eat at the Hard Rock. (which is a stupid habit of mine to go to Hard Rocks all over the world) For one day the city was mine, I saw the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, Battery park, Central park and rode the metro back and forth all day just picking spots on the map and kept going.
That night I met up With Stephanie Dick, my sisters friend from high school, and we hung out with her friends and had a good time. Then I crashed on her couch.
The next day I went to JFK to get on my flight and I saw Terrie at he terminal checking in passengers. She remembered me and asked me how I was, i told her I was wonderful and that I loved my free day in New York. She told me something that will stay with me forever, she said "I have never met someone like you before, especially at this airport, I want to be like you and make the best of all the bad things that come my way." She was easily 20 years my senior, and she was till able to learn something from some kid from San Diego.
Now I realize that this isn't some super grand story about really overcoming some difficult shit. I've had harder things happen to me before and since. The thing to remember is that we can choose to be defeated, or we can choose to make it whatever we want. Two days in New York proved to me that I had the ability and mental resources to make it out of a shitty situation, and come out with a great experience. Since then I have traveled, looking for the next experience to test and try me, to really temper my mettle and to show myself what I can do.
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